NEWS IN BRIEF, 31 March 2021
Editor: This is SATIRE. It is also REALITY. Deal with it.
NEW YORK—Meeting with an HR representative for his first day on the job, new Wells Fargo employee Kyle Menardi was walked through all the crimes he’ll be asked to commit, sources confirmed Wednesday. “The crimes we do here are pretty straightforward, and most new employees get a hang of how to do them within a couple of weeks,” the HR rep informed Menardi, adding that he should prioritize getting a handle on the more day-to-day insurance and securities fraud, and then turn his attention to learning about the company’s more long-term scamming and market manipulation criminal projects.
“It might seem intimidating at first, but don’t worry, we have a whole system for our illicit activity. If you want more guidance, however, we have a mentorship program where one of our more tenured employees can talk to you about their experience committing crimes for Wells Fargo. But don’t worry, after a few months, committing financial fraud on an industrial scale will feel like second nature.” The HR rep added that once Menardi got the basics down, Wells Fargo always appreciated self-starter employees who took their own initiative to commit crimes that went above and beyond expectations.